When I was about six years my parents decided to take me to stay with my mother's aunt. They did that so that my mother would be able to look after my two younger siblings. Make wasilamisela edvute kanisi naye bekamncane (my siblings and I were not too far apart as my mother had gotten pregnant at a very young age). Little did i nor my parents know that my two uncles would sexually abuse me whenever they felt like it. At first, I couldn't understand what was happening.
One evening
We were sharing a room with them together (uncles) with their little sister who was the same age as me. They would sneak under my blankets and sexually abuse me. They never sexually abused their sister; I was the target. One night, when the ordeal began, I remember screaming, and they covered my mouth. My older uncle told me he won't take long, and he raped me with his younger brother and their sister watching. I remember him telling the little sister not to tell anyone. If she did, he was going to beat her. He further threatened me by saying," if you happen to tell anyone, I am going to bury you alive". I cried but when my mother's aunt asked as to why I was crying, I just looked at her and cried even further. I was in distraught and filled with fear therefore I came up with a story irrelevant to the abuse I was being exposed to. I had to lie. I kept it with me, and it happened for two years.
Schools closed when I was in grade 2 for the second term. I went home to see my parents and when I was supposed to go back, I told my biological grandmother that I don't want to go back. No one suspected that something was wrong; they just shouted at me. They highlighted that I was being a spoilt child and disobedient. I remember crying until my father told me, I won't go back the following year. On the other hand, my mother wanted me to stay there until I finished my primary. So, I went back to my hell of a life. Four months in hell again, I thought hard but there was nothing I could do.
Trauma and Anger
I grew up with anger towards men. Things got worse when I was again gang-raped by 5 men when I was 16 years. I was doing form 4 by that time. This time around I nearly died. They left me to die in a forest, but I was found by a man herding cattle. He called the police and took me to the hospital. When I woke up at the hospital there were only nurses around me. Neither mom or dad were there because they had no clue I was at the hospital. They thought I was at school, yet I had been a victim of a brutal rape.
Suicide
I tried to commit suicide three times, but I didn't die. All I wanted was revenge or death. I wanted to hurt every man who came in my way. When I was called at the police station to identify the men who raped me, all I wanted was to kill them. So, I lived a life of hatred and plotting revenge towards innocent souls for about 10 years. I had neither feelings nor love towards men. Hurting them was my number one priority and the only way to get to them was through their heart. In the process of seeking for revenge, God gave me a daughter. One day I realized how much I love her and how much I wish she can have a stable and a better life than me.
Living
I decided, I want to change and try to live peacefully with men in this world. My biggest challenge was the anger inside me. I knew, I needed help or someone who would listen to me. I spoke with my mother, but she never listened to me. She told me to be strong and move on with my life. I didn't need to be strong, I needed someone to lean on and cry; let the pain out. In 2018, January I meet my current partner. Every time we were together, he would ask me, what's bothering me. At first, I ignored him but after I saw that all he wanted was to hear my story. I opened up and told him. He didn't judge me, but he gave me a hug and told me, we are going get help if I wanted to and that he would support me.
Since then, I had been a better woman. Now I can proudly say, I have feelings and love for a certain man. On top of that, I am a happy soul and I don't hate men anymore. To everyone out there in any part of the world, who had suffered like me, healing is possible. Reach out to someone and speak out.
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